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The Pope in Alaska ... The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Vote for Obama" hat and a "Save the Trees" t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers, wearing "Go Sarah" t-shirts raced up to the commotion. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the others tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told the men. "I had heard that in America there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?" "That was the Pope," another replied. "Well," the logger said, "he sure doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get us another one?"

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Dear Abby:


My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.


Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.


Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslums.


Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath.

it's just so horribly creepy!

Can you help?


Lost in DC


Dear Lost:


Stop whining, Michelle. You can divorce the jerk any time you want.

The rest of us are stuck with him for two more years!

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Equal opportunity:

"In a recent interview, Sarah Palin said we have to stand with 'our North Korean allies.' When told that North Korea is not our ally, Palin said, 'Sorry, I meant East Korean allies.'" –Conan O'Brien

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gun Joke

USMC Rules For Gun Fighting

  • Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.
  • Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
  • Only hits count. A close miss is still a miss.
  • If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.
  • Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movements are preferred.)
  • If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.
  • In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics.
  • They will only remember who lived.
  • If you are not shooting, you should be communic- ating, reloading, and running.
  • Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
  • Use a gun that works EVERY TIME.
  • Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
  • Always cheat = always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
  • Have a plan.
  • Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
  • Use cover and concealment as much as possible.
  • Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
  • Don't drop your guard.
  • Always tactically reload and threat scan 360 degrees.
  • Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
  • Decide to be AGGRESSIVE enough, QUICKLY enough.
  • The faster you finish the fight, the less shot up you will get.
  • Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
  • Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
  • Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a "4".

Navy Rules for Gun Fighting
  • Go to Sea
  • Send the Marines
  • Drink Coffee

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security:

Terrorist Plots Discovered 0

Transvestites 133

Hernias 1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172

Enlarged Prostates 8,249

Breast Implants 59,350

Natural Blondes 3

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  • 1 month later...

The California - Texas Travel Dictionary

Intended for use when listening to main stream media.

A lexicon, with translations for Californians who are visiting Texas , or vice versa.

In California = In Texas

Diverse or Lifestyle Choice = Sinful and Perverted

Arsenal of Weapons = Gun Collection

Delicate Wetlands = Swamps

Undocumented Worker = Damned Illegal Alien or Criminal Invader

Cruelty-Free Materials = Synthetic Fiber

Assault and Battery = Attitude Adjustment

Heavily Armed = Well-protected

Narrow-minded = Righteous

Taxes or Your Fair Share = Coerced Theft

Commonsense Gun Control = Gun Confiscation Plot

Illegal Hazardous Explosives = Fireworks or Stump Removal

Equal Access to Opportunity = Socialism

Multicultural Community = High Crime Area

Fairness or Social Progress = Marxism

Upper Class or "The Rich" = Self-Employed

Progressive, Change = Big Government Scheme

Homeless or Disadvantaged = Bums or Welfare Leeches

Sniper Rifle = Scoped Deer Rifle

Investment For the Future = Higher Taxes

Healthcare Reform = Socialized Medicine

Extremist, Judgmental, or Hater = Conservative

Truants = Homeschoolers

Victim or Oppressed = Criminal or Lazy Good-For-Nothing

High Capacity Magazine = Standard Capacity Magazine

Religious Zealot = Church-going, God fearing

Reintroduced Wolves = Sheep and Elk Killers

Fair Trade Coffee = Overpriced Yuppie Coffee

Exploiters or "The Rich" = Employers or Land Owners

The Gun Lobby = NRA Members

Assault Weapon = Semi-Auto (Grandpa's M1 Carbine)

Fiscal Stimulus = New Taxes and Higher Taxes

Same Sex Marriage = Legalized Perversion

Mandated Eco-Friendly Lighting = Chinese Mercury-Laden Light Bulbs

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