60 replies to this topic

[Mossback]

The Pope in Alaska ... The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Vote for Obama" hat and a "Save the Trees" t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers, wearing "Go Sarah" t-shirts raced up to the commotion. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the others tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told the men. "I had heard that in America there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?" "That was the Pope," another replied. "Well," the logger said, "he sure doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get us another one?"

[POSTITSORGTFO]

beers they will eat anything

[Keep Calm Chive On]

I HAVE THAT SHIRT!!!

[Mossback]

Dear Abby:
.
My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.
.
Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.
.
Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslums.
.
Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath.
it's just so horribly creepy!

Can you help?

Signed,

Lost in DC
.


Dear Lost:
.
Stop whining, Michelle. You can divorce the jerk any time you want.
The rest of us are stuck with him for two more years!

[Kevin.]

YES

[Mossback]

Equal opportunity:
"In a recent interview, Sarah Palin said we have to stand with 'our North Korean allies.' When told that North Korea is not our ally, Palin said, 'Sorry, I meant East Korean allies.'" –Conan O'Brien

[Mossback]

TSA in action, Might be considered NSFW

http://www.youtube.c...dium#t=15<br />

[Mossback]

[Mossback]

gun Joke

USMC Rules For Gun Fighting

• Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.
• Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
• Only hits count. A close miss is still a miss.
• If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.
• Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movements are preferred.)
• If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.
• In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics.
• They will only remember who lived.
• If you are not shooting, you should be communic- ating, reloading, and running.
• Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
• Use a gun that works EVERY TIME.
• Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
• Always cheat = always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
• Have a plan.
• Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
• Use cover and concealment as much as possible.
• Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
• Don't drop your guard.
• Always tactically reload and threat scan 360 degrees.
• Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
• Decide to be AGGRESSIVE enough, QUICKLY enough.
• The faster you finish the fight, the less shot up you will get.
• Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
• Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
• Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a "4".

Navy Rules for Gun Fighting

• Go to Sea
• Send the Marines
• Drink Coffee

[DonutsDemise]

A soldier walks into a bar and says, "Anyone want to hear a Marine joke?"

A guy stands up and says, "Hey, see me? I'm a Marine. See that 6'2" 230 lb. guy? He's a Marine. See that guy, 6'4" 250, he's a Marine. Still want to tell that joke?"

Soldier: "Not if I have to explain it three times."

[Mossback]

Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security:

Terrorist Plots Discovered 0

Transvestites 133

Hernias 1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172

Enlarged Prostates 8,249

Breast Implants 59,350

Natural Blondes 3

[Mossback]

[Mossback]

The California - Texas Travel Dictionary



Intended for use when listening to main stream media.

A lexicon, with translations for Californians who are visiting Texas , or vice versa.

In California = In Texas

Diverse or Lifestyle Choice = Sinful and Perverted

Arsenal of Weapons = Gun Collection

Delicate Wetlands = Swamps

Undocumented Worker = Damned Illegal Alien or Criminal Invader

Cruelty-Free Materials = Synthetic Fiber

Assault and Battery = Attitude Adjustment

Heavily Armed = Well-protected

Narrow-minded = Righteous

Taxes or Your Fair Share = Coerced Theft

Commonsense Gun Control = Gun Confiscation Plot

Illegal Hazardous Explosives = Fireworks or Stump Removal

Equal Access to Opportunity = Socialism

Multicultural Community = High Crime Area

Fairness or Social Progress = Marxism

Upper Class or "The Rich" = Self-Employed

Progressive, Change = Big Government Scheme

Homeless or Disadvantaged = Bums or Welfare Leeches

Sniper Rifle = Scoped Deer Rifle

Investment For the Future = Higher Taxes

Healthcare Reform = Socialized Medicine

Extremist, Judgmental, or Hater = Conservative

Truants = Homeschoolers

Victim or Oppressed = Criminal or Lazy Good-For-Nothing

High Capacity Magazine = Standard Capacity Magazine

Religious Zealot = Church-going, God fearing

Reintroduced Wolves = Sheep and Elk Killers

Fair Trade Coffee = Overpriced Yuppie Coffee

Exploiters or "The Rich" = Employers or Land Owners

The Gun Lobby = NRA Members

Assault Weapon = Semi-Auto (Grandpa's M1 Carbine)

Fiscal Stimulus = New Taxes and Higher Taxes

Same Sex Marriage = Legalized Perversion

Mandated Eco-Friendly Lighting = Chinese Mercury-Laden Light Bulbs

[Mossback]

[Smithwicks]

"I haven't seen anyone work this hard to avoid doing their jobs since Jay Cutler"

In reference to the Wisconsin Democrats that are hiding out somewhere in Illinois.

[Mossback]

I put this in Off topic the thread, liked it so much, I thought I would repost it here.



The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya
and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's
get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason
they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last
300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag fa! ctory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and
"The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of
the final escalation level.

[PyROTech]

A SEAL team, an Army platoon, and a full Battalion of cops are sent into a forest to catch a rabbit
The SEAL team goes in. They're in there for twenty-three minutes, there's a single gunshot, and they come out with a rabbit.

The Army platoon then charges in. They're in the forest for four hours and there's hollering, unending gunfire, massive mortar explosions, screams of bloody murder, and then silence. They emerge, battle worn and weary, but with a rabbit.

Then the police force enters the forest. They're in there for four days. Eventually, they come out with a squirrel.

No, no, guys, you have to go catch a rabbit.

So they go back in. Two hours later, they emerge with that same squirrel but now it's all beat to hell; black eye, bloody nose, broken arm, it's trembling and waving frantically. "Okay! Okay!" screams the squirrel, "I'm a rabbit! I'm a fuckin' rabbit!"

Edited by PyROTech, 21 May 2011 - 08:50 PM.

[Mossback]

[Smithwicks]

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care or the economy when you don't know crap?"

Then she went back to reading her book.

[Fudge_Brownie]

Pinned, because we all know there's no shortage of political jokes.

Anyone have the original hi-res version of that map? Would allow reading of the smaller countries.