47 replies to this topic

[Mossback]

Fudge_Brownie, on 13 September 2011 - 07:02 AM, said:

Anyone have the original hi-res version of that map? Would allow reading of the smaller countries.

Here it is with a local addition - Click to expand

[Mossback]

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds”, you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they
re-possessed her.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh Great! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated
by the people who made $13.5 trillion disappear!

And, finally…

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars,
jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the
Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them
I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a
truck.

[Burn-E]

I Lol'd at that last one.

[Pops Racer]

The Executive branch of The U.S. Govt... end joke.

[Mossback]

Oct. 17-18, 2011

"Earlier this week, a protester at Occupy Wall Street proposed to his girlfriend. His exact words were, 'Will you occupy my parents' basement with me until I get a job?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Obama said her daughters watch 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians' but that President Obama doesn't approve. Obama said, 'If I want to see a giant butt who doesn't do anything, I'll have lunch with Joe Biden.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, President Obama's teleprompter was stolen. Police are on the lookout for a thief that's eloquent and spreading a message of hope." –Conan O'Brien

"Herman Cain is out there, he says a lot of provocative things. He said America should build its own Great Wall of China. Cain says it's a great idea because if there's one thing you don't see inChina, it's Mexicans." –Conan O'Brien

‎"Almost all of Rick Perry's support appears to have gone to Herman Cain because, again, and I cannot stress this enough, nobody likes Mitt Romney." –Jon Stewart

‎"Today, the Colbert Super PAC officially endorses Hermain Cain for president -- unless you're not into him, in which case, I'm just joking." –Stephen Colbert

‎"Herman Cain is ahead with 27%, as opposed to Newt Gingrich, who is 27% head." –Stephen Colbert

"It was on this day in 1867 that the United States bought Alaska from the Russians. And about six months from now, we’ll probably be selling it to China." –Craig Ferguson

[/left]

[theForgottenone]

Burn-E, on 21 October 2011 - 01:33 AM, said:

I Lol'd at that last one.

Same here

[PyROTech]

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

[Pops Racer]

Ummm, political forum? Jokes? Gross.

[Zappo]

Yeah, wrong forum for that. Of course, Pops "joke" wasn't funny either.

[PyROTech]

ohhh, thought it was general jokes. my bad

[Mossback]

Freshen this thread up a bit. At this point in my life, I'm finding politics more interesting to laugh at than get serious about.

Republican and Democrat
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.

The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five.

[Pops Racer]

Zappo, on 26 October 2011 - 04:43 AM, said:

Yeah, wrong forum for that. Of course, Pops "joke" wasn't funny either.

yeah yeah yeah...its too serious, and too true to be funny. My bad.

A president, a treasury secretary and An EPA administrator walk into a bar...

Mossback, on 26 October 2011 - 03:26 PM, said:

Freshen this thread up a bit. At this point in my life, I'm finding politics more interesting to laugh at than get serious about.

Republican and Democrat
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.

The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five.

Winner winner chicken dinner.

[JCviggen]

Mossback, on 26 October 2011 - 03:26 PM, said:

Republican and Democrat

Not really funny because it has a clear motive, it's only funny if you're a republican wanting to make fun of democrats. For people who don't care about the politics it's not funny.

Mossback's list was funny because everyone can kind of relate to it.

[Zappo]

Mossback, on 26 October 2011 - 03:26 PM, said:

The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The only time a Republican would ever do this is if he/she were running for office.

[Mossback]

JCviggen, on 26 October 2011 - 04:15 PM, said:

The list was funny because everyone can kind of relate to it.

OMG, lulz....

(Insert party here) On The Porch
A little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn (Insert party here) on my front porch and he's playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn (Insert party here) on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Well, now, how do you know he's a (Insert party here)?"

"Because, you damn fool, if it was a (Insert other party here), he'd be screwing somebody!"

[Fudge_Brownie]

Ah, the two party system. Wonderful, isn't it?

[PyROTech]

[Zappo]

Apparently Herman Cain tried to follow his advice.

[Mossback]

Becoming Illegal (Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin

731 Hart Senate Office Building

Phone (202) 224 3254

Washington DC , 20510

Dear Senator Harkin ,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service , I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you..

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications , as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums .. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent, (hoping to reach 'illegal alien' status rather than just a bonafide citizen of the USA )

Donald Ruppert

Burlington , IA

Get your Forms (NOW)!!

Call your Internal Revenue Service at1-800-289-1040 ..

[thewhiteguy1]

What is the similarity between a politician and a mosquito?

You can kill both with a newspaper