Mossback Posted May 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 17, 2011 I put this in Off topic the thread, liked it so much, I thought I would repost it here. The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag fa! ctory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels . The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyROTech Posted May 21, 2011 Report Share Posted May 21, 2011 (edited) A SEAL team, an Army platoon, and a full Battalion of cops are sent into a forest to catch a rabbit The SEAL team goes in. They're in there for twenty-three minutes, there's a single gunshot, and they come out with a rabbit. The Army platoon then charges in. They're in the forest for four hours and there's hollering, unending gunfire, massive mortar explosions, screams of bloody murder, and then silence. They emerge, battle worn and weary, but with a rabbit. Then the police force enters the forest. They're in there for four days. Eventually, they come out with a squirrel. No, no, guys, you have to go catch a rabbit. So they go back in. Two hours later, they emerge with that same squirrel but now it's all beat to hell; black eye, bloody nose, broken arm, it's trembling and waving frantically. "Okay! Okay!" screams the squirrel, "I'm a rabbit! I'm a fuckin' rabbit!" Edited May 21, 2011 by PyROTech 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mossback Posted September 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 8, 2011 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smithwicks Posted September 11, 2011 Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly. "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care or the economy when you don't know crap?" Then she went back to reading her book. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudge_Brownie Posted September 13, 2011 Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 Pinned, because we all know there's no shortage of political jokes. Anyone have the original hi-res version of that map? Would allow reading of the smaller countries. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mossback Posted September 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 Anyone have the original hi-res version of that map? Would allow reading of the smaller countries. Here it is with a local addition - Click to expand Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mossback Posted October 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO’s are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced. I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife. If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds”, you call them and ask if they meant you or them. McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America . Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names. My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico . A picture is now only worth 200 words. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $13.5 trillion disappear! And, finally… I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burn-E Posted October 21, 2011 Report Share Posted October 21, 2011 I Lol'd at that last one. :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pops Racer Posted October 22, 2011 Report Share Posted October 22, 2011 The Executive branch of The U.S. Govt... end joke. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mossback Posted October 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 Oct. 17-18, 2011 "Earlier this week, a protester at Occupy Wall Street proposed to his girlfriend. His exact words were, 'Will you occupy my parents' basement with me until I get a job?'" –Conan O'Brien "Michelle Obama said her daughters watch 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians' but that President Obama doesn't approve. Obama said, 'If I want to see a giant butt who doesn't do anything, I'll have lunch with Joe Biden.'" –Conan O'Brien "Yesterday, President Obama's teleprompter was stolen. Police are on the lookout for a thief that's eloquent and spreading a message of hope." –Conan O'Brien "Herman Cain is out there, he says a lot of provocative things. He said America should build its own Great Wall of China. Cain says it's a great idea because if there's one thing you don't see inChina, it's Mexicans." –Conan O'Brien "Almost all of Rick Perry's support appears to have gone to Herman Cain because, again, and I cannot stress this enough, nobody likes Mitt Romney." –Jon Stewart "Today, the Colbert Super PAC officially endorses Hermain Cain for president -- unless you're not into him, in which case, I'm just joking." –Stephen Colbert "Herman Cain is ahead with 27%, as opposed to Newt Gingrich, who is 27% head." –Stephen Colbert "It was on this day in 1867 that the United States bought Alaska from the Russians. And about six months from now, we’ll probably be selling it to China." –Craig Ferguson 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theForgottenone Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 I Lol'd at that last one. Same here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyROTech Posted October 26, 2011 Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh." 4 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pops Racer Posted October 26, 2011 Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 Ummm, political forum? Jokes? Gross. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zappo Posted October 26, 2011 Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 Yeah, wrong forum for that. Of course, Pops "joke" wasn't funny either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyROTech Posted October 26, 2011 Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 ohhh, thought it was general jokes. my bad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts